Day 1

Today, I heard the word. Yes, that word. The one you never want to hear. The one that makes you feel completely out of control. The one that leaves you ready to fight. The one they tell you...and then they make you wait. Wait for a CT Scan...wait for a Colonoscopy...wait.


My husband hears me crying and runs to the bedroom door. He knows. I text my sister and say I NEED YOU! I text my sister-in-law, Ashley, and say, I need you. They show up within minutes. I'm in the chair...crying...having trouble breathing. I had prepared myself for the word...or so, I thought. I had been told it looked very suspicious. Ashley was my first hug after my husbands. She held me...cried with me...and told me I would be okay. She made it okay. I knew she was there for me. She loves me. Next, my sister, Summer, showed up. She has always been my strength. She's my biggest supporter and my biggest defender. She would do anything for me and when I needed her...there she was. Once again, leading the way...holding my hand...wiping my tears. She called the nurse back to clarify the words I heard from the doctor. She wrote them down. She calmed me. Soon, my best friend, Kim, and nephew, Eric, were in the room with all of us. Looking back at the love that was in my bedroom during my "coping" reminds me of how very blessed I am! It was within minutes that I was surrounded by nothing but pure love and support! Forever grateful!My doctor was very honest from the first time he looked at it with his level of concern. I "kind of" knew...but what I was prepared for was Chemo and Radiology. I knew I would be sick and weak and bald. I had coped with that part. I was ready for that. The phone call was the expected cancer word...but in addition to radiology and chemotherapy...I heard the words rectum removal and colostomy bag. It sent me spinning. My emotions flowed like Niagra Falls. It was uncontrollable. It was fear. It was not what I had prepared for in my mind. It was life changing. I needed my mom and dad. Mike called them. He told them. They packed up from their vacation in FL and drove straight to IL. My brother heard the news and immediately got plane tickets to return home. My family is my rock. I am loved and I can do this. Next, in walked my brother, Derek. We are often referred to as twins. He shares my heart, my smile, and my personality. He is my other half. His arms brought such a flow of emotion. I needed him.




My mind is focused on my beautiful family. My daughters. My husband. My mom and dad. My siblings. My family and friends. I am scared but I will fight with every part of who I am. I need answers. I need information. I need to be doing something to get this out of my body.


My children will see their mom fight and keep fighting. This journey is not something I would ever want them to go through but they will see a different side of their mommy. They will see me battle. I will not miss a day or activity I don't have to. I will be there...and I will love them every step of the way.



BUT...I am scared.